“Nice Girls” Finish Last
Hi, I’m Mace, and I’m a recovering people-pleaser.
If 2024 has taught me anything, it’s that I willingly take on way too much and I am the only one to blame every time I hit a wall. I’ve always thought of myself as “nice”, “considerate”, an “over-achiever”, because I am someone who will “go the extra mile for others” and someone others can “count on”. I had to learn the hard way (as I always do) that these things are not true- or at least not true in the way I thought them to be.
Chronic Performing
You see, all of these traits came from a place of people pleasing, or as I once heard someone call it, chronic performing. I had always been told that I get taken advantage of easily because I’m “nice”, and to be clear this wasn’t a compliment. “Nice” in this context meant that I was incapable of saying no or setting boundaries. Why? Because I wanted to show people that I could do more, that I was more, that I was better than others because I’ll do it. Ahem- performing. I was subconsciously doing it for my own selfish reasons. And at the time of agreeing to do something for someone, I truly felt like I couldn’t say no. Can anyone else smell the childhood trauma of only feeling valuable when prioritizing other’s needs and emotions?
Mental Jail
I’ve learned that people pleasing will lock you in a mental jail cell. It only sets you up for the negative. When someone asks you for a favor, you immediately feel exhausted because saying no feels like you are letting them down or that you are doing something wrong, so you feel you have no other choice but to say yes. So now this person is counting on you and you feel the added pressure because you know you have to come through for them now that you’ve agreed. Then you are mad at yourself (or this person) for the situation you put yourself in, and resentment starts to build. Now you have to fulfill this favor, but you do it with hate in your heart and all the while complaining to everyone who will listen to you. “I just can’t believe they would ask me to do this when they know I have xyz going on!”. Okay, but who’s fault is it that you said yes? Scenario A: you back out because you can’t complete this favor on time or to it's full potential and it feels HORRIBLE, now this person is mad at you and it’s the end of the world. Scenario B: you complete the favor and HATE that you had to do it, other things are falling apart because you didn’t time manage properly, or you didn’t have the funds to support the favor, or you neglected someone else in order to do this so now that person is upset with you and you resent resent resent everyone and everything involved. Not only that, but now you either expect a favor in return (which is not how nice people operate), or you push that person away in fear that they will ask you for something else because now they expect that level of effort from you every time. It’s all terribly negative and it’s all your fault. I cannot emphasize this enough, you are locked in a mental jail when you do things from a place of people pleasing.
Deception
Not only are you locked in the mental jail which sucks for you, but you are also not being a good person. Yeah, I said it. People pleasing is controlling, manipulative, and deceptive behavior. OUCH! The version of you that you put on for others is not who you really are, it doesn’t exist, therefore you are lying. I was finally able to see the fault in what I was doing when it was framed for me in this way. I always thought I needed to put up with the mental jail and negatives that came with being a “helpful person” because it was the right thing to do. When in reality, I was doing everyone around me a disservice. And I don’t want to be a bad person. I truly thought that taking on more than I’m able to made me look big and strong like I could do it all, but really it made me look weak, low, and small when I couldn’t deliver again.
Boundaries
This year has been all about learning to set boundaries, with others but more importantly with myself. My inability to say no comes from fear of conflict, lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, and lack of boundaries with myself. So I’ve been working on that by practicing saying no and standing up for myself in small scenarios and then building to big ones. Here are two things I’ve started doing that have really helped me:
Number 1: Take a Pause
The hardest part for me was identifying opportunities to practice saying no, because I’m so used to saying yes to everything. To better support myself in identifying opportunities, I started taking a pause before EVERYTHING, which I realize has annoyed many people lol. For example, I try to take at least 5 minutes before responding to any texts. I also will not answer any phone calls unless I know they’re coming (except immediate family), because they can leave a voicemail. This is how I set boundaries with myself for time management, because I have the time to assess a text or voicemail to see how long this interaction is going to take and I can get back to them when I can offer my full attention. Also, if they are asking me any questions, it allows me time to think about how to answer rather than have to scramble through thoughts in the moment on a phone call.
If we are talking in person and someone asks me something, I will literally say “I’m not sure, let me get back to you!” for everything, even if I already know the answer, because this allows me time to pause and it’s good practice. There’s literally nothing wrong with taking a beat. It is so rare that someone will say “oh why?” “you have to check?”. In fact that’s never happened to me. I have had a situation where someone says “I need to know now”, and that’s the opportunity to say no! When there’s time pressure, it’s more understandable and defendable to say “I’m so sorry I would just hate to make that commitment to you now and then realize later it conflicts with something else I previously agreed to”. If someone’s applying time pressure, it should also tip you off that it might be something they are super stressed out about already and if you can’t deliver, you’re making the situation harder. Leave that alone! Protect your peace!
Maybe one day my confidence will grow to a point where I could actually handle these things in the moment but for now I’m still learning, so the pause is good!
Number 2: Think about the Outcome
Thinking about the outcome when setting boundaries makes you more clear to yourself and the person you are speaking to (and this is another reason you need the pause mentioned earlier). Not having a clear “why” is confusing to you and others. Thinking about the outcome first helps you to explain your boundary better and with confidence, and makes it easier for you to uphold. How does setting this boundary help you or others? What do you want to obtain from setting this boundary? Whether you want to keep that private or not is up to you, because you don’t owe anyone an explanation. But if you do want to provide an explanation, you can do that with your chest!
Clearing the Mud
Ending this cycle of people pleasing has so many benefits, but one of the big ones is that it will “clear the mud” and show you where your true relationships are. Some people are like parasites and will latch on to a people-pleaser who does everything for them, because why shouldn’t they when you aren’t saying no? Once you stop going the extra mile for them, the parasites will die off because they no longer benefit from you. It was just a transactional relationship. And the ones who love you and support you and want to see you be your best self will keep rooting you on, and will express how proud they are of you when they see your progress- especially if you are able to tell them no! Believe me, I’ve experienced it. Good people can see a boundary and respect it. Ending the cycle of people pleasing will show you who those good people are. I promise you, they’re out there!
