Postpartum

I got whiplash from opening my blog up again. What year is it??? Currently writing this from my phone as my son takes a nap next to me, so if the formatting is weird that’s why!

I’m 5 months postpartum today and don’t know who I am anymore (in an exciting kind of way?). I’ve never been happier in my whole life. My son is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, hands down! I look forward to every single day, and feel gratitude on a whole new level. That being said…

They say two things can be true at once, right? I’m overwhelmed with joy but also bogged down with anxiety. I didn’t think it would happen to me. Some of you may be like, “seriously? I could’ve predicted you’d have postpartum depression or anxiety from a mile away”. But I REALLY didn’t think it would happen to me. I was so excited for my boy to arrive and I had all these plans of things I wanted to do as a new mom that I really didn’t think my postpartum would be defined by fear.

I’m ashamed to admit that there was a month (or two) where my son and I didn’t leave the house at all. I kept us away from people out of fear that he would get sick. I already had health anxiety while pregnant, but then the measles outbreak in west Texas made me officially lose my marbles. When I did finally let people come around the house, I would have to go upstairs and sit in my closet so no one would hear me panic heave. I couldn’t watch anyone but my husband hold my baby. It made me so nervous my hands would shake- I felt like he was in danger. I had horrific visions of my baby that I won’t get into. I bathed him after every visit and then cried myself to sleep, overwhelmed with guilt, thinking that if he got sick it was because I didn’t uphold my boundaries. Because I was too weak to say no. Because I wasn’t a good mother. Because I didn’t have a backbone. I was desperate for control and had none. I could feel people resenting me for missing out on their time with Myles. But I couldn’t think about anyone or anything logically. I was frozen by fear.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes I’m back in therapy (shout out to Seven Starling for saving my life!). And I’m doing a lot better now. The anxiety is not gone, and my therapist warned me that it may never go away, but I do have coping skills that work for now. And I’m taking it one day at a time. YES we are outside!

I want to know if anyone is curious about anything pregnancy or postpartum related now that I’m on the other side. Or any questions about my specific experience. There were so many things I wish I had been told (and hadn’t been told) about it all, and I want to share for the information enthusiasts like me out there. Leave a comment or DM me on insta with any of your questions!

I’m also working on writing out my birth story. I really want to put it on the blog because I think it would be good for me. It is ever so slightly triggering for me but SO funny and wholesome. I’m making zero promises on if I share it though (remember last October when I said I wouldn’t disappear after having my son… and then I disappeared? lol). Stick around and find out!