I’m Pregnant!
As I type this, I am just over halfway through my first pregnancy, and my husband and I could not be more excited to become parents. We’re neck deep in potential names, ideas for nursery decor, and all the research on nontoxic baby products lol. I recently started to feel our baby move and it’s just the most indescribable feeling. I feel so honored to be able to grow this tiny person, and to watch J become a dad. I’ve never been happier in my whole life!
While we eagerly await our baby’s arrival, I can’t help but reflect on how much I’ve grown since finding out I was pregnant. You know it’s true what they say, that it changes your whole life. When I realized I was going to be a mom, I was terrified- and for reasons you may not expect.
For one thing, we found out I was pregnant just 7 weeks before our wedding day. I had been planning our wedding for over a year by this point, and the pregnancy sent a lot of things I had planned straight out the window. I had less than 7 weeks to not only process what was happening in my body, but to change almost everything about our wedding weekend to accommodate this new huge thing. Additionally, there was a pressure to announce it at our wedding since all our family and friends would be together, and I wasn’t ready to tell everyone. It was so early, and I was afraid that saying something would jinx it (intrusive thought alert!) and I really wanted this baby. Everything was changing- my body, my last name, my whole life, and I was filled with a lot of stress, pressure, anxiety, and fear fear fear. Thankfully, I’ve had the best experience EVER in my second trimester and have loved everything about being pregnant! But I could not say the same for the first trimester, and it’s unfortunate that I’m not able to distinguish if I genuinely had perinatal depression or if it was all of the outside factors causing it.
I’ve heard from other parents that their fears were “am I ready for this?”, “will I be a good parent?” etc. But I always knew I wanted to be a mom whether I was ready or not, and I knew that I could be good at it. I’ve never had an issue taking care of others or being there for others- in fact, I enjoy it! I knew becoming a mother would be the hardest and most rewarding thing I would ever do. My fear in becoming a mom manifested as “I’m going to lose myself, how am I going to keep my own identity?”. I had many breakdowns about losing my individuality because I knew I would go so hard as a mom. And while that can be a good thing, I felt that I was setting myself up (and probably my kid, too) for years in therapy if I didn’t try to protect and maintain who I was outside of being somebody’s mother. But then that begged the question “who the **** am I?” and I realized I didn’t know. It was a full blown identity crisis.
To be honest, I still have these thoughts. But instead of seeing it through a fearful lens, I recognize it as a growth opportunity. I really had to sit and think about what I like, what makes me me, and what kind of person I want to be. I made a lot of lists, observed and spoke to a lot of parents in person and on social media, and did a lot of reading. I set various short and long-term goals that incorporated my growing family but still felt like they were for ME and my development. I set intentions for my marriage, because I worry about my relationship getting set aside while trying to balance motherhood and maintaining my individuality. I planned my dream trips and vacations that included my baby but weren’t for my baby. I compiled notes and action items that brought me comfort and reassurance. And although I know all of this could change and possibly go out the window entirely, having a plan made me feel like I had control during a time when I was spiraling.
Through all of this self reflection, I discovered something I wasn’t expecting: I had developed an overwhelming amount of new respect, understanding, and admiration for my own mom and other mothers in my life. There was always respect there, but you don’t realize how little you know until you’re in the thick of it. I kind of compare it to that saying “you don’t know what you don’t know”- you’re not capable of imagining what it’s like until you’ve been through it. I look around at the mothers I know and I see them for who they are, not just for what they’ve done for their children. I’m more curious than ever about what their interests are, their stories, their goals, what they do to fill their cup, and how they’ve balanced and blended motherhood with individuality.
It took me 5 months to get here, but I’m starting to look at motherhood as an upgrade or level up rather than a complete change of identity. I can still be me and go full mom mode. It’s an opportunity for me to heal the parts of myself I’ve been avoiding, and fine-tune and emphasize the things I think are good about me. I appreciate that I have a choice of what to carry with me into motherhood: I can drag in all my trauma and drama, or I can carry the tools I need to grow. I watch all of the mothers around me do their thing and I feel so proud to know them and to join their club soon. I feel cooler than ever, more beautiful, and I value myself in a totally different way. I’m finally in a place where I feel ready to let go and just become. And I’m so so so ready to meet my beautiful baby BOY!
